Have you ever noticed how asking “why” when you’re upset tends to spiral you deeper into frustration? “Why did they say that?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why can’t I get this right?”
In our last Sama Life Circle, we explored a simple but profound shift: replacing “why” with “what.” This micro-practice disrupts our confirmation bias and opens our minds to new information we typically miss when rushing and reacting.
The Science Behind the Shift
When we ask “why” questions - especially when feeling stuck or triggered - our brains tend to pull from what we already know. We get caught in loops of rumination, reinforcing existing beliefs and assumptions.
But “what” questions? They’re exploratory. They invite discovery. They widen our container of knowing and help us see situations with fresh eyes.
The Practice: Ask What, Not Why
When to Use This
When you receive a triggering email or message
During a difficult conversation
When facing resistance (even to starting a new practice!)
Whenever you feel stuck in judgment or assumptions
As a regular practice to build the habit of open curiosity
How to Practice (3-5 minutes)
1. Identify Your Situation Before beginning, clearly articulate what you want to understand better. Maybe it’s resistance to starting a new habit, tension with a colleague, or any moderately challenging situation (aim for 3-6 on a scale of 10 for practice).
2. Return (Ground Yourself)
Take three conscious breaths
Feel your feet on the floor
Let the stability of the ground stabilize your mind
For these few moments, let go of thoughts about the situation
3. Bring Awareness to Your Experience Now, gently bring the situation to mind and ask:
What am I noticing in my body? (tension, constriction, heaviness?)
What emotions are present? (just name them without any judgment: anxiety, anger, sadness)
What thoughts are underlying these feelings? (simply observe without trying to fix anything)
4. Listen with Curiosity Deepen your inquiry with these what questions:
What assumptions am I making here?
What might be going on for others involved?
What else could be true?
What are my intentions for this situation?
What do I really need here?
If you find yourself going round in circles or feeling stuck, try freestyle journaling. Take each question and write whatever comes to mind without worrying about grammar or correctness. Read your responses for repeated patterns or phrases that stand out to you. Listening within is how we cultivate a deeper understanding about our situation beyond immediate reactions and surface-level understanding.
5. Begin with One Small Step Based on your expanded understanding:
What is one small action I can take?
What would showing up with my intention look like?
Making This Your Own
The beauty of this practice is its flexibility. You can:
Do it mentally in the moment (30 seconds)
Journal through the questions (5-10 minutes)
Use it as a walking meditation
Practice with minor irritations to build the skill
As one participant discovered tonight, even asking “What do I need to practice mindfulness?” instead of “Why is this so hard?” shifted them from resistance to curiosity about what support they needed.
A Living Practice
Start with non-critical situations - a minor annoyance, a small decision. Build the habit of asking “what” throughout your day. The more you practice when calm, the more naturally this curiosity will arise when you’re triggered.
Remember: You’re not trying to eliminate difficult emotions or bypass real challenges. You’re creating space to see more clearly, understand more deeply, and respond more skillfully.
This Week’s Invitation
Choose one recurring situation where you tend to get stuck in “why” loops. Each time it arises, pause and ask one “what” question. Notice how this simple shift changes your experience.
Because sometimes the most powerful transformations come not from having all the answers, but from asking better questions.
Questions or insights about implementing this in specific situations? Drop them in the comments below or email me directly.
Join Our Next Live Circle: October’s Focus on Awareness
Too busy to meditate but know something needs to change?
In October, we’re exploring Awareness - the foundation of all mindfulness. Not the “sit for an hour” kind, but the “see your life clearly while living it” kind.
What You’ll Actually Get:
Micro-practices that work while you’re doing other things
Tools to catch yourself before you react (instead of regretting later)
Ways to see the patterns that keep you stuck in the same loops
A method to pause between trigger and response
This is for you if:
You’re tired of running on autopilot
You want to stop reacting and start choosing
You need practical tools, not more theory
You have 3-5 minutes (really, that’s all)
Live Circles: Twice monthly, 75 minutes Can’t make it live? All sessions recorded for members.
Next Circle: October 8th, 7:00 PM ET
Because awareness isn’t about adding another task to your day. It’s about seeing what’s already there - and finally having the power to change it.
P.S. Still skeptical? That’s awareness too. Come as you are.
